Excerpts

Oh dear. Such a shame to see the US lose at football after their insanely embarrassing president cheated for them. Still, it really brought the world together. The last time this many people cheered on a Belgian resistance, it was 1914 and the Germans had just crossed the Meuse. As you’ll be aware, the USA were dumped out of their own World Cup on Monday night by a wholly superior Belgium, after Donald Trump boasted that he’d personally intervened in three phone calls with Fifa president Gianni Infantino to get the red card shown to USA striker Folarin Balogun rescinded. Yes, the US cheats at football. Pass it on.

You’ve heard a lot about shithousery during this tournament. We have even, excruciatingly, seen a few American commentators attempt to use the word in conversation. Guys, please, just – no. It’s not for you. You have ’erbs, “a couple things”, and “a ways to go”. But let’s call the events of the past few days by the name they deserve in all the languages of the world: Whitehousery.

Some absolute Whitehousery has been on display and the world certainly has a way (singular) to go before we all forget it. As he made very clear, Trump really wet his Depends over Balogun’s ban, and spent Monday gibbering to the news cameras that he’d acted hideously inappropriately over the weekend by interfering because “I’m good at this stuff”. Righto. It’s somehow especially poignant that Trump genuinely thought he was going in to bat for the national side. After all, the only humane sporting reply to that is: oh my god, don’t let him bat! Look at the state of him! He can’t bat to save his life! Weird that Trump supposedly understands such a lot about sport, but doesn’t get that if you do something outrageously unfair, your opponents will so often use that injustice to fire themselves up and beat you. But look, maybe those aren’t the dynamics in the necrotic golf games Lindsey Graham lets him cheat in. (“Some people say you may outdrive him, but you’re not going to outdrive his caddie,” Graham told a grand jury in Trump’s election interference case in 2022. “It is what it is.”)

A lot of people rightly feel sorry for Balogun, who never asked to find the president’s malevolently gelatinous form supposedly in his corner. In fact, presumably the London-raised Balogun particularly didn’t, given he’s precisely the sort of chap whose birthright citizenship Trump would have done anything to limit until the supreme court finally struck down his attempts to do so last week. But, to quote a phrase, it is what it is.


Link: Trump cheats to win