Two possibilities I understand:
1) We have free will, and therefore we make choices. We are responsible for those choices, even though they are influenced by outside factors.
2) We have no free will and therefore no choices. We can think about the "choices" we are predictably and necessarily making (which means they are not choices). We can record them. But, we are not responsible for them, because we were destined to make them from the beginning of time. We are merely characters in a book written billions of years ago, or perhaps more accurately written in eternity, which is to say written "outside" of spacetime. We may learn things, but we were destined to learn them if we learn them, and we were destined not to learn them if we don't. We don't have the power to choose whether to learn anything on our own. Therefore, if we own what we learn, it is only in the sense that it is now recorded in our brains. We cannot own it in the sense that we chose to learn it and improve our lives thereby. Such learning was actually given to us (or not given to us) from the beginning. We only operated according to our programming.
My view (stated earlier) is that regardless of which of the above is true, it makes the most sense to believe 1...which is kind of what it seems like you are doing when you choose to give advice to your kids and your friend.
What I don't understand, which seems to be what you are saying:
3) We don't have free will, but we make choices. Although we have no free will, we can "choose our words" as you say. How can you "allow yourself to experience life" when you don't have free will, and therefore have no ability to "allow" yourself to do anything? You either do it, or you don't, but there is no choice, no allowing, if you don't have free will. If your kids don't have free will, then your choice to teach them is not actually a choice, and your decision that they should learn how to allow themselves to be present is not a decision, and they are incapable of allowing themselves to do or not do anything. Did your friend have a genuine choice to lengthen his response time? Did he have a choice to decide whether or not to follow your advice? Or, did he instead have no free will, and you can really claim no credit for "choosing" to offer him that advice?