Jack: Statue? You stupid fuck! You keep tripping over your own dick and you want a statue?
Brian: Hell, yeah! I'm gonna break Rock's all time record for wins next year, so I deserve one.
Jack: You deserve shit! I should have fired your ass after that disastrous 2016 season.
Brian: Bullshit! I became a much more caring guy. I listened to people, I talked to all the players and spent more time with them, I fired my shitty coaches, and I resurrected myself.
Jack: Just a minute, Lazarus! I was a sucker. I keep giving you extensions and adding to your ill-begotten millions, and you keep fucking up on the big stage.
Brian: You know can't fire me. Bad optics! ND's not a football factory that launches successful coaches. Get used to it!
Jack: Get used to it? You purple-faced fuck! That's what you said in 2010 when you fucked up the Tulsa game. And what about your two point conversion against North-fucking-Western in 2014?
Brian: Does that mean I won't get my statue?
Jack: Get out my office, you shanty bitch!
Afterwards:
Press: Jack, have you talked to Brian yet? Have you given him a vote of confidence despite such another embarrassing loss?
Jack: Oh, yeah. We talked and I assured Brian that he's our guy moving forward. Remember, he's going to break Rock's record for wins next year, so I gave him an extension until 2030.
Oh, and one more thing. We hope to have a Brian Kelly statue in place before our home opener later this year.
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