Obese has-been Miguel Cabrera vows to play on

Lovable fatass Miguel Cabrera tamped down retirement talk recently, saying he intends to play out his contract, that ends following the 2023 season.

"I'm not going to retire," he told the News. "Not until after next year when my contract is done. They didn't understand what I said. No way am I going to quit."

As a spanish-speaker, allow me to translate:

"When those morons signed me to that eight year contract in '14, I nearly shit myself. Who signs an aging slugger to such a deal? Tell me the last time a clean, aging slugger actually produced? Oh well, God Bless America! I love this country! I look forward to collecting $32M next year while I produce putrid numbers and waddle my way along the basepath. I can't tell you how much I love Detroit."